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Bust Relationship Ruts

Today is Luke and my 14 year wedding anniversary. For us, it's a special day in our history.

We were married in Lyons, Colorado, and snapshot memories stay with me...

  • I remember how awesome it felt to get my hair and makeup done...

  • I remember wearing a white flower in my hair for the ceremony, and changing it to a bright red for the after party...

  • I remember seeing Luke tear up as I walked down the aisle, which of course made me cry...

  • I remember being so proud to share the ceremony we'd written -- a Buddhist ceremony -- that honored each member in our families...

  • I remember being introduced as a couple to a riff by Metallica, and watching as Luke's grandpa and my brothers and dad cheered...

  • I remember what it felt like to be in a room with all the people that mattered to us on one day, and realizing that may never happen again...

  • I remember when my dear friend did her maid-of-honor toast by playing a banjo song that brought down the house...

Tonight we plan to go on a hike together and out to a quick dinner. It feels so rare to connect just to two of us in the midst of such full lives. It also feels essential.

In honor of this day, today's post is about how to sustain enduring love. We all go through ruts or times when our relationship is lacking verve and inspiration.

Here are my favorite things to do when you're in one:

1. Leave.

Sounds crazy, right? Sounds counterintuitive. I'm not talking when you're in the middle of a fight, here.

But taking a hike, a night away, or a retreat always leads me back to how thankful I am for my life at home, and for Luke.

It's easy to believe you'd be better on your own, there's something better out there, etc., but getting away, even for a brief hike, reminds you real quickly of all you already have right in front of you.

2. Dive into your OWN passions.

Luke and I did not fall in love with each other because we were obsessed with each other.

Stay with me.

What I mean is, we often think, when things are difficult or uninspiring, we should spend MORE time together to bring back the spice.

I think that's a wrong view.

Luke and I fell in love with each other because we were on top of our individual games. My passion for my interests, though different from his, got him excited about his own, and vice versa.

Dynamic couples amplify one another, and give more power to EACH member, individually. They DO NOT shrink one to let the other shine.

So dig into your own loves. Trust me, your partner will be inspired by your "you-ness." They'll then go after their own, and you won't be able to keep your hands off them.

3. Play a game to connect.

It sounds silly, I know. But with the pressures of everyday life, we could all use a little more playfulness and childlike antics in our lives. Playfulness drives up sexual energy together, too. Here are two of our fav's:

  • Two Things -- start by asking each other "Two Things" you love about me. Make sure both people answer. Then move on from there. Two Things: you remember about our wedding, you liked about me when we first met, you love about our life right now, you want to do in the next year, you want to try in bed, and on and on.

  • What's Your Number? -- Usually at least 3 times per week we check in with this question. What's your number, 1-10, on how happy you are in your life? We each share our number and then why it is where it is. It keeps us up on each other and in sync with our inner feels.

Keep them positive and HAVE FUN!

There you have it, Queens. Here's to honoring the love all around us.

Love you,



Want to get even more out of your love life? We've designed a special retreat JUST for this! If you're ready to deep dive into how you show up in intimate relationships (whether you're in one or not) then THIS retreat is for YOU!

October 18-20, 2019

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